I’m not sure what to blog about this week because like I said last week “Inspiration Struck” and that train just kept on moving. For some reason the second I started working on that new/old screenplay idea everything sort of started to flow again and I have been a non-stop creation machine ever since.
So many ideas, so many new directions to pursue, so much suddenly became clear but how to express it all in a tidy blog post. For the first in a long time I am so very on track but yet at a little bit of a loss on how to express it because some of it is a little, well, esoteric I guess.
Okay so let me back up and see…first I had the idea for the screenplay, then the ideas started to flow, suddenly I am getting that knowing feeling that this is going to be the best thing I have ever written, I know these stories, I’ve lived them, 20 years of living them, there were no short cuts on this one, the characters really speak to me, they make me cry, make me laugh right out loud, they talk about things that speak to the hopes and dreams in us all.
Naturally I start to realize that I have to make this movie when it is done. I can do this. I have made my projects before. But then old wounds come up and I start thinking about how very hard it is to birth a film project, how long you have to be with the story, how many people must be involved, how much money and/or favors it takes, how many potential personality clashes it can cause and the wind blows out of my sails. I don’t know if I can do this again.
So I go through the list, I can survive the amount of time and work and favors that need to be asked, its really the personality clashes that cause me the most pain and stop me from wanting to move forward. Filmmaking is such a passionate and personal pursuit that inevitably clashes happen and feelings get hurt, I have been no stranger to that, and I really just depise it. I hate hurting people’s feelings and I don’t particularly enjoy getting mine hurt either.
I continued on with my writing and just let my fears about making the film hover over the weekend a little, talked about it with Diego, pondered it on my morning walks, and eventually grabbed one of my books and opened it to a random page looking for some synchronistic answer as I sometimes do and there it was, a chapter on forgiveness.
Oh forgiveness. What a tempting one that is to avoid. Forgiveness requires you to sacrifice all your reasons and blame for why you arent where you want to be and I just love my reasons and blame, don’t you? How dare you, you stupid book trying to insinuate that I should let those go! 🙂
So I let that thought marinate for a little while longer, grumbled to myself about it like I am suddenly Archie Bunker, and then read some more on the subject of forgiveness. Turns out forgiveness is alot about forgiving yourself too so I started thinking, what might I have to forgive myself for? And what does all this have to do with me making this film? And then the truth popped up, as it seems to be doing with a frequency lately, the truth is I have always wanted to Direct my own projects, but I never admitted it, not even to myself, because I didnt think I had earned it or deserved it yet.
See I have always put the Director job up on a pedestal, always felt like a Director needs to know everything about everything and since I didnt know everything about everything yet then I didnt deserve it and because of that false notion I have repeatedly robbed myself of the opportunity to be the shepherd of my own scripts.
What’s worse is that not only have I not Directed them like I deep down wanted to, I have Produced them which gives me a front row seat to watching someone else Direct them. Oh the torture for both me and my unsuspecting Director’s who work with me. Torture not because the Directors didnt do a great job, they always did, it was torture only because I sidelined myself, I gave them the job I wanted, and myself no power over guiding the direction of my original vision. It’s like giving a baby you dearly love up for adoption and then watching someone else raise it. Some people can do it, some people can’t and you need to know which people you are before you make as big a decision as that and get a whole bunch of people’s hearts involved.
Oooh boy. Now I know why forgiveness came up. I’ve got some apologies to make to some people, myself included. Can I do that? I realize in that moment the answer is yes. I finally get it and therefore no longer have any love for all my reasons and blame. It is time for those to go and for love to flow. (I didnt mean to create that corny ryhme but I like it so I am keeping it) Anwyay I can now see that all those external clashes came as a direct result of my own internal clashes (I warned you it was esoteric) and I no longer need to fear them as long as I continue to tell the truth and live by that truth.
As scary as it is for me to finally step into those Directors shoes, I can do it. I have to do it. There’s no turning back knowing what I know now. Yes I do realize that that makes me a Writer/Actress/Director which one could also call a control freak but from my new, more self-forgiving place I prefer to label myself a Storyteller. I am a Storyteller using all the tools at my disposal to get my stories across and I will do my absolute best to make it as great as I know how.
Whew! I’m glad I figured out how to get all that off my chest. Now back to writing for me. I’ve got a great film to make.
(Oh and P.S. I am truly and officially retired from Producing now so I will be looking for one of those in the very near future, hopefully none that secretly want to be a Director. 🙂 )
(Oh and P.S.S. Alot more inspiration came than that this week but I didnt want to overwhelm everyone in one blog – more to come!)